"Children these days don't suppress their feelings - better out than in"

I hear the soaps dramatising every conversation into a battle of frustration and anger.   "There's more anger in our society than there used to be."  I hear a lot of criticism and blame of the children, in schools and at home.  I hear parents saying they don't know where the anger has come from.

Learn to express all your feelings

And then I am asked for anger management classes for 10 year olds.  Sure, there are ways we can help younger children with their anger - mostly by showing them there are healthy ways to recognise and express all their feelings.  But working with the children in isolation will not change behaviour.

Communication with adults is how we learn

Communication is a two way process - we all know that.  And children communicate with adults.  They learn their patterns of behaviour from observing adult interactions.  Last week I met a 12 year old who was having lots of problems with his anger.  The immediate request was for a course of therapy to help him change his behaviour.  

All in the family

However after some discussion with his mother about the ways the rest of the family express their anger, it was clear this was a whole family matter.  Dad avoided expressing any emotions, absenting himself from any confrontation.  Mum was 'moody' - taking long silences to express her frustration until she exploded every now and then.  Younger brother was having tantrums still at eight years of age.

This is a whole family issue.  Passive aggression, distancing and sulking, ,suppressing feelings may well induce aggression in others.  What is clear here is that a healthy model of emotional expression was not being modelled for anyone.  

No blame, no shame

And let me be very clear here - I am not blaming parents.  I am not blaming anyone.  When I delved further, the grandparents were overly aggressive, or overly passive.  And they learned their patterns from their parents.  And so it goes on.

So let's stop the patterns.  We have one day courses for parents, teachers and mentors.  We can work with individual families.  

If you'd like to share your experiences of emotions through the generations, just comment here.