I have been thinking this week about the balance of our work in the world of work and in personal relationships. The focus in the former is usually about how to achieve conflict resolution, how to deal with the stresses of corporate life, and how to manage the angry client or member of staff.

Anger is taboo at work.

We can say we are stressed, frustrated, upset, undermined. But we can't say we are angry. And if we do, it's considered inappropriate and out of order. So in the workplace, passive aggressive behaviours rule supreme.

Passive aggressive? Me?

Failing to respond to messages when you don't rate the sender, turning up late for meetings, not being available to set a meeting time, copying in all your colleagues on a sideways attack at someone who is pissing you off, passing on 'confidences' as a way of finding favour, using the 'silent treatment' to show someone how you feel. These are all unhealthy ways of avoiding a direct message of letting someone know how we feel.

So can we resolve conflict unless we fully understand our emotions?

Simply, no. We cannot look for the compromise, until we get an understanding of why we feel upset, frustrated, and angry. We will reach a winner / loser situation otherwise. We need to understand the triggers for these feelings. And so when I am asked to teach conflict resolution in the workplace, I have to teach emotional management first. I can't collude in covering up the cracks in emotional intelligence with glib strategies until the participants understand their own emotions.

But real world here.

If I want to be a part of introducing emotional intelligence into the workplace, I have to use the vocabulary of the workplace. Hence my courses are called: Emotional Resilience in Teams, Conflict and Tough Conversations, Mastering your work environment.........and then I hope to facilitate real personal development for whole people, who want to start that journey.

I was asked this week to give some advice for the next Bank holiday or two (or is it three?).  I have definitely noticed a trend of increased number of calls following a national holiday.  Christmas and New Year are prime examples, and Easter was definitely a biggy this year.  People find that conflict and stress become greater when a three or four day holiday arrives.  Why is that?

Expectations run high

We all want our holidays to be good - and worth all the hard work to earn them.  So expectations run high.  And then we realise that everyone around us (kids, parents, partners) want something different from us.  Or we live alone, and feel the pressure to DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.  Whatever the circumstance, expectations have a big influence on our anger.  Anger Management rule number 7  is 'Let go of expectations'.  Not easy.

Fight only the important battles

It way well be that you disagree with others on lots of things.  Potential for conflict is everywhere.  But if you are to maintain these relationships, it's imporatnt to choose the battles.  Will it matter in 3 months time? is a question I often ask myself, and it helps get a perspective.  Anger Management rule number 1is 'Stop, think, look att he big picture'  get a perspective, and you will find yourself in less conflict.  Probably worth adding here, that Anger Management rule number 2 is 'It's OK to have a different opinion.'  Many of the beliefs we hold, we think of as facts when they are actually just our opinion.

If you want to know more about our other rules of anger management, get in touch.  They sound simple, but there's plenty of help we can provide in making them a part of your life.

What stops us from making the decision to join a course?  I have been thinking this week about the multitude of ways people, including myself of course, avoid booking on a course, or starting to do something we know we need to do.

I need to have a dental check-up.  Not my favourite diary appointment, and I expect I will need work done.  But I can't avoid it or never do it.  It's not urgent......yet, and I don't want to wait for a crisis to pre-empt an emergency appointment.  I feel a little guilty, and know I am being childish.  If I were to mention it to my mum she would be horrified.  So why procrastinate?

Reasons to procrastinate

-  No time.  Actually it takes less than an hour.

-  It's expensive to get dental work done.  But if I leave it, it may become more expensive - especially if I can't work because of the pain.

-  it's not pleasant. Actually with pain relief, it's never as bad as I expect.

So how does this relate to anger management courses?  Well many of my clients tell me similar stories........

                  "I need to do something before its too late and I lose my relationship, child custody, marriage, job, etc"

You see most people attending our courses say they wished they had done so years ago.  Before they lost so much. And experienced such pain.

                     "I know avoiding it won't make it go away - I've been like this for a long while and nothing will change without help, it might even get worse."

Patterns establish themselves.  Often patterns we learned from our parents, and they learned from theirs, so not to blame anyone.  But patterns don't change without help.

                      "I have no time to spare - a weekend will mean I don't see my children."

It's just one weekend.  Leave it and there may be many many childless weekends.

                       "I can't afford it right now."

But what are the costs of not doing anything?  Court cases, legal fees, loss of job, fixing things you break.......

So we all have the ability to procrastinate.  What's procrastination about?  It's about the part of our brain that finishes its development by the age of five, and doesn't take on the logic of learned experiences.  So when we try to tell ourselves to do something, that part of the brain thinks its our mum telling us, and we rebel - "won't do it!!". We need to remind ourselves it's what we really want, we are now adults and able to choose to do or not do.

Give me a call - don't procrastinate.  Anger management is fantastic personal development and everyone gets something from it.  You deserve it.

Let it out?  Or keep it in?

We all have heard the expression -"better out than in".  It seems to be the modern response to keeping our feelings buttoned down, suppressed, the traditional British stiff upper lip.  If we watch soaps on TV, we get the impression that every character needs to express their feelings outwardly, and often in an aggressive way.

So which is better - suppression or expression?  

Well, my answer is not so simple - it depends.  It depends on what we mean by expression.  Expression doesn't have to mean aggression.  There are assertive ways to let another person know how we feel.  There are some very powerful tools we teach on our courses that really help to resolve conflict.  This is assertive behaviour and a posiitve expression of our anger.

Everything matters?

So the other question is, do we have to respond to every incident, let the other person know how it feels for us, each time?  Can we contain a feeling, 'sit in it' and let it pass?  Do we have to take personally every perceived disrespect, injustice, inadequacy?  Of course we don't.  We can choose the situation, choose the battles that are worth fighting.  One of my measures is - will this matter in six months' time?  If it won't, it's not worth tackling.  It's better to recognise the feeling, then put it to bed, and leave it alone.  

If it will matter, and has long term implications, then the next question is - is this about me, about the other person, or about us both?  Is this a chance for me to understand myself better, is it something the other person needs to address, or is this about how we relate to each other?

Emotional intelligence is not easy

If you find this interesting, perhaps you'd like to explore the ideas further through one of our courses - anger management is really about emotional intelligence.  We just don't seem to be able to get the message across. Are we poor communicators?  Got another name for 'anger management'?  If you have any ideas, let me know.

Road Rage 

Have you noticed how often we behave aggressively in the car, when we wouldn't behave in that way at home or at work?  Swearing, shouting, gesticulating at other people, pushing in when it's not our turn, and more besides.  I am sure you have a story.

BBC West Midlands

Yesterday I was invited to join Jimmy Franks on the Danny Kelly show.  He was asking listeners to call in with their experiences of anger.  Most of the callers focussed on how other drivers didn't know how to behave, or how they had lost their cool. It was the other person who didn't know how to drive, how to behave, or wasn't concentrating.

Assumptions

We make assumptions.  And we have to.  If we didn't, and took into account every new experience as a new event, we would be exhausted within a couple of hours of waking up.  Emotionally we need to use our past experiences, what we have learned, to evaluate a situation.  But the flip side of that, is that we assume we know what is going on for other people.  We assume we know that they chose to 'cut us up', they chose to ignore us, or had to be a bad mannered person every day if they didn't behave as we had expected.

Get the whole picture

That person who took your place in the queue may not have seen you there, he may have been worrying about getting to a sick relative, she may have just heard some dreadful news, they may have been in the middle of a flaming row about the in-laws.  We have all been there.  And getting the whole picture (of course in reality we can't stop and ask but we can imagine), enables us to connect with other human beings. 

Shame, guilt and self-defence anger

One of the callers spoke about the aggressive response her husband received when he told the 'offender' what he had done - overtake on a zebra crossing.  She was horrified by his response, feeling that her husband had just spoken 'the truth'.  Jimmy Franks asked me to comment.

This is a case of self defence anger - a recognised trigger for anger which results from a feeling of shame, guilt or embarrassment.  Her husband had highlighted the 'offender's' mistake, making him feel the need to defend himself.  I think many of us would have felt the shame, and for some of us self defence anger would have been the result.

This brings me on to alternatives.  Did her husband really need to point out his mistake? 

.............Next blog as I've run out of time!  The full radio interview will be up on my media page within a couple of days if you'd like to hear it.  Look forward to your comments.

Every month I facilitate a three day programme which changes lives.  The people who have attended send me emails, call me, and write testimonials about the different ways they are experiencing their emotions and the resultant behaviours after the weekend.  Of course it's not an instant miracle solution - there needs to be some hard work by each person to integrate the new ideas into their lives.    For some people that's a few months, and for others it's a life-time work. 

In recovery

A bit like recovering from an addiction of any kind, or changing a life-time pattern of behaviour, there are new strategies to learn. For example, recognising the sources of your anger, seeing them coming along and understanding their meaning before you react.  Appreciating that anger is there to protect you, as a safety mechanism.  Understanding the effects of stress on your potential for unhealthy anger.

 Then there's learning new ways to express your emotions. A new vocabulary that ensures those around you really understand how you are feeling and how an incident has affected you.  There's a conflict resolution tool, to ensure you don't avoid confrontations, and chose your moments for resolving issues both at work and at home.

 And much much more. 

 "Wish I'd learned this stuff years ago!"

I have heard this so often now, I've stopped counting.  People who are recovering from failed marriages, are in the process of court cases around child access, are looking for new employment.

We don't blame anyone who didn't know this stuff years ago - we get most of our behaviour patterns from our parents or peers, and they got them from their parents or peers and so it goes on. 

 So will you be there?

Next course starts Good Friday 10am.  Finishes Easter Sunday 4pm.  Have a place for you, and probably a price to suit your pocket.  Come and join us.  For a life changing experience.

Variety
I have a chequered career in terms of variety. I've worked in catering, agriculture, laundries, retail, hospitals and a techi company to name just a few! I've also lived in many places, both abroad and in the UK.
And I have generally only stayed in a job while I was enjoying it, so not many regrets and lots of really great experiences.
Enjoy
But this work with BAAM beats many of them. I really enjoy feeling I am doing something that has a benefit to other people. I really love understanding and learning more every day, from the people I meet and the training I do.
Making a difference
Yesterday I thought about this a lot. The programme material we deliver seems to open eyes and help clients look at the world afresh. All sorts of people.
Yes, our programmes are not just for people desperate to sort their unhealthy anger. Our programme material is valued by experienced counsellors who want to learn more about themselves, by senior managers who want to get better at dealing with tough conversations, and by parents who want to help their children express their emotions.
So I hope you will think differently about anger management - it's emotional management training for everyone, and everyone benefits. And I also hope you will get in touch sometime with your experiences of anger.

I saw a new client this week who made me think about timing.  When is the right time to get help?  Is it worth trying to sort it yourself, is it best to have hope that your partner will change, would it be best to say something as soon as unhealthy anger makes you feel scared, is it right to recognise the shame you feel straight after the explosions and get help straight away?

Correct time?

Of course there isn't a right answer to this for everyone.  I met a man who hadn't been willing to book an appointment with me for several months.  When his wife said the marriage was finished last week, he called me.  Is it too late?  Who knows.  A woman called me this week, saying she had read the website and decided 'Enough is Enough', had told her husband so, and he booked straight away in response to the ultimatum.

A correct answer

I would love to think that as anger management loses some of the taboo status, we start to recognise that getting help with how we express our emotions is so vital to a successful relationship.  For home and work relationships.  Maybe we could even think about preventative anger management - to ensure a relationship has a way to deal with conflicts before they reach crisi point.

Enough is enough

So when is the right time for you.  Probably NOW if you are reading this. And if the relationship is over, do call now to make sure the next relationship doesn't follow the same pattern.

"Children these days don't suppress their feelings - better out than in"

I hear the soaps dramatising every conversation into a battle of frustration and anger.   "There's more anger in our society than there used to be."  I hear a lot of criticism and blame of the children, in schools and at home.  I hear parents saying they don't know where the anger has come from.

Learn to express all your feelings

And then I am asked for anger management classes for 10 year olds.  Sure, there are ways we can help younger children with their anger - mostly by showing them there are healthy ways to recognise and express all their feelings.  But working with the children in isolation will not change behaviour.

Communication with adults is how we learn

Communication is a two way process - we all know that.  And children communicate with adults.  They learn their patterns of behaviour from observing adult interactions.  Last week I met a 12 year old who was having lots of problems with his anger.  The immediate request was for a course of therapy to help him change his behaviour.  

All in the family

However after some discussion with his mother about the ways the rest of the family express their anger, it was clear this was a whole family matter.  Dad avoided expressing any emotions, absenting himself from any confrontation.  Mum was 'moody' - taking long silences to express her frustration until she exploded every now and then.  Younger brother was having tantrums still at eight years of age.

This is a whole family issue.  Passive aggression, distancing and sulking, ,suppressing feelings may well induce aggression in others.  What is clear here is that a healthy model of emotional expression was not being modelled for anyone.  

No blame, no shame

And let me be very clear here - I am not blaming parents.  I am not blaming anyone.  When I delved further, the grandparents were overly aggressive, or overly passive.  And they learned their patterns from their parents.  And so it goes on.

So let's stop the patterns.  We have one day courses for parents, teachers and mentors.  We can work with individual families.  

If you'd like to share your experiences of emotions through the generations, just comment here.

"It must be my fault"

"if I heard shouting in the house, I always assumed it was something I was responsible for." I am amazed how often I hear this from my clients.  A sense of shame and embarrassment, which has a major effect on self-esteem and consequently relationships.  

Normal? what's that?

I hear this mostly from people in their middle age, who are referring to their experience of being a child, in a 'normal' family - of course who can say what normal is, but for the child they weren't aware that there was anything different for them at the time.  

Blame and shame

The effect of feeling the blame and imbibing a sense of shame from a young age has a long term affect.  Critical, judgemental adults with lots of rules about 'shoulds' and 'musts' will be judging and criticising themselves.  Never quite satisfied with their behaviour, many turn to depression and withdrawal from relationships.

The BAAM approach

Our courses start with an assumption of 'no blame, no shame'.  I have a sign on the wall in our group course room.  It's vital to increasing self-esteem, removing the excesses of critical and judgemental parent, and thus finding healthy ways to express anger.  

I think this differs from the approach used in some other anger management programmes - where admitting and accepting the blame is a major part of the process.  Anyone out there experienced this?

In the press!

It's been an interesting week for anger management in Birmingham.  On Sunday, a double page article in the Sunday Mercury,(later in the Coventry Telegraph), described the amazing change in fortunes of a woman who had lived for 11 years with a verbally abusive angry husband.  She was considering suicide, he was refusing to admit he had a problem, and there seemed to be no solution.  A year on, after they had both attended a course with Beating Anger Birmingham, they have a very happy relationship, and their first baby is due in April.  She describes it as " invasion of the body snatchers" - the abusive man has gone and a caring, affectionate and understanding partner has taken his place. 

Making a difference to others

I spoke with her yesterday - she did the newspaper interview in the hope that it might help at least one other person.  Well I had good news for her.  On Monday morning, a mother who had read the article called to say her 18 yr old son was suffering from unhealthy anger.  I was able to arrange a first meeting on Wednesday and they have decided to start an anger management course next week.  The mother is already feeling so much more hope. As I often find in this field, it was not just the young man who has unhealthy expressions of anger - his mother suppresses her feelings until they burst, and his father avoids any expression of emotion.  So this will be whole family therapy.  A programme of 14 weeks x 1 hour sessions.  I will keep you posted on progress.

 The whole family involved

And this may be the real message - once one person in a family / relationship has unhealthy anger, the others have to find their own ways to compensate and defend themselves.  So the effects of our courses are for the whole family. 

And I will be keeping in touch with the lady who was brave enough to let the journalist interview her- she really does hope others get the message too.

Last month I wrote about three of the sources or triggers for our anger: stress, personal boundaries and emotional needs.  Today I will explain about the other three sources.  

By the way, these sources are common to most of us, and don't mean they are unhealthy.  It is the way we respond to them that can be unhealthy.  We can react aggressively or passive aggressively.  As with most of life, events are just events- its how we interpret them and respond to them that makes us individuals.

In practical terms, an example may help understand this better.  If I am walking in a city street and someone bumps into me, I may feel that my personal boundaries have been invaded.  Depending on how I generally respect myself, feel I have value and feel noticed, I will respond to this bump.  I could respond aggressively, maybe swear or retaliate physically.  I may just add it to the list of events that reinforce my depression and lack of self-esteem.

However if I am feeling that I have value generally, my self esteem is quite healthy, I may forget the event very quickly and feel no need to respond.

So, on to the other sources of anger.  Shadow projections.  This is a huge area of debate and discussion, and there's plenty of reading material around if you want to know about shadows, as first described by Carl Jung in the last century.  However for our purposes, think about shadows as parts of Our personality we prefer to hide, deny or repress.  If I think about selfishness, for example, I prefer not to show that side of my personality.  Tis is my shadow.  So when someone else is selfish, it makes me angry.  It's a shadow projection.  Sounds a bit deep, and psychological, but essentially it needs about 2 hours on one of our courses to explain properly and relate it to yourself.

The other two sources of anger are loss of personal goal and self defence anger.  I have run out of time today, so will come back to these very soon.  Happy 2012.  By the way, have you noticed our 20% discount offer which is time limited? It's valid for 2012 courses.  Bye for now.

There's plenty of opportunity to be angry around Christmas: the family demands, the financial demands, the pressure to be jolly, the increase in alcohol consumption, the traffic jams, the dark cold nights and days, and much more you no doubt can think of wi out much help from me.

So how does Beating Anger Birmingham help you to understand those triggers for anger? Well we think about triggers as six sources of anger.  The first major source, and over-riding one at affects all the others, is stress.  Stress is, we believe something we choose, and is closely related to our self-esteem. There's plenty of good work to be done understanding the positive and negative stresses in our lives and deciding what we want each to mean to us. You can try the FREE online stress test to start understanding your own stress further.

The second source is about how our emotional needs are being met.  How respected, valued, appreciated, etc we feel will have a major effect on what triggers our anger.  At Christmas time, if we start to feel ignored, not appreciated for our efforts to make the holiday go well, if we don't think our opinions are being valued, we will feel anger.  

The third source of anger is about personal boundaries. If we feel those boundaries are being invaded, compromised, we will feel anger.  So when our visitors outstay their welcome, when partners are around 24/7 and we are not used to it, when kids don't go off to school every day, or our homes feel cramped by the extra people, we will feel angry.

The other three sources will be the subject of my next blog, but I want you to know that, participants of our courses have gained the insight to manage these triggers.  They feel the anger, but find ways to express it in a healthy way, and feel all the better for it.  Check out the testimonials page to see more.  I will write about the other sources of anger next week.

Happy holidays!

As a facilitator of anger management courses, i spend a lot of time thinking about anger.  Probably more than most.  And, as well as noticing the way other people around me express the emotion, I am very conscious of what makes me feel angry.  

Feeling angry is natural and necessary.  It is an emotion that indicates to us that we are feeling unsafe or insecure in some way, either emotionally or physically.  So I expect to feel angry.  In fact if I don't feel angry for a while, I start to wonder if I am fully in touch with my emotions.

So what's anger management for? If anger is essential to life, why can't we just get on with being angry? Well feeling anger, and expressing it are two different things.  Let me explain......

This week I have been in Canterbury working.  Staying away is fine but access to wifi is an essential for my feeling of being connected to my home world and to getting on with running my business. The hotel I was booked into didn't have wifi.  So I have spent quite a bit of time, between working commitments, sitting in cafes who have wifi. Yesterday evening, I could only find a Starbucks.  I checked before buying a drink - yes wifi available.  I then spent 15 minutes moving from table to table around the large cafe, trying to get a connection.  No luck.  I was angry.  However, when I looked at why I was feeling anger, I realised it was triggered by feeling a long way from home alone, having my own goals frustrated, and being very tired and cold.  I could have chosen to shout at the cafe staff, get into a rage, or try to hide the feeling from myself. But I didn't. 

I gave up the attempts, took myself quickly back to the hotel, reminded myself the work could wait til the morning, and went to sleep early.  All was well this morning.

No rage, no depressed feelings, no hurting or upsetting others, and no shame afterwards.  Good clean healthy anger.  Telling me to look after myself.

How about you?  What triggers your anger?  I will give you other examples next blog. 

National Anger Awareness Week supported by Beating Anger Birmingham 1st - 8th December, 2011

 "Things are going well............I got through the Christmas break without getting really angry, the only time I felt angry I was able to step away and calm down. So the holiday went well.” (recent course participant) How many people can say they expect that!

More than half of all British adults say they have an argument over Christmas. If Christmas leaves you feeling pricklier than a holly bush, then help is at hand!  Beating Anger Birmingham, as part of The British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) is once again helping you have a calmer Christmas and beat the seasonal stress with its annual Anger Awareness Week, from December 1-8th, 2011.

Beating Anger Birmingham is keen to ensure that anger and conflict at home and in the workplace is dealt with in a healthy manner.  On its site Beating Anger Birmingham is offering a free downloadable ‘Keep Your Cool Over Yuel Kit’ - Tips for Christmas to help defuse those all-too-predictable seasonal rows with family, friends and colleagues. Throughout the year, Beating Anger Birmingham runs various programmes throughout the year, delivered as three day intensive courses, one day seminars and taster sessions for the individual and corporate environment.  Our clients tell us how life is so different now they have learned ways to express emotions in a clean and clear way.  “It's wonderful to have a new relationship on a different level with him and together we're happier and more relaxed."  says Deb, a recent course participant.

Paula Backen, director of Beating Anger Birmingham says: “With National Anger Awareness Week, we are specifically targeting the festive season because we know that so many people hurt each other with their anger at this time of year. If this is not dealt with then couples carry their stress through to the New Year which is why January is so busy for divorce lawyers. We are in the middle of a recession yet the pressure to purchase the latest toys and gadgets is still there. Whatever gets you angry, the likelihood is it will be magnified at Christmas. We give people proven techniques to manage their own anger and enable them to have a calmer Christmas.”

*Notes for editors

Beating Anger Birmingham can provide expert comment on diverse topics, including: anger in the workplace, road rage, anger in schools, parental/child anger, female anger, air rage and dealing with your angry partner. BAAM has worked with over 15,000 people, including many international celebrities, and was established in 1999 in the UK. It is recognised by the NHS, BUPA, court authorities and the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.  Beating Anger Birmingham is a BAAM clinic since 2010.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION PLEASE CONTACT 

Paula Backen, Beating Anger Birmingham
Call:   0345 505 3150

Email: paula@beatingangerbirmingham.co.uk

www.beatingangerbirmingham.co.uk

I know there's a financial crisis across the world, but how is it for your family and friends?  And how is it affecting your relationships?  I have been working recently with a group of long term unemployed and young homeless people.  Both groups have a lot to say about the world as they see it, and, as expected, it's not a rosy one.  However, not every deals with their situation with the same emotional response.

For some,  the conventionally anticipated aggressive anger is displayed very clealry.  Every interaction includes a reminder that the world is unfair, that they have been dealt a poor hand, that the only defence mechanism available is blame.  

For others, the response is less predictable.  Turning the anger on themselves, the suppressed anger turns to depression, addictions and withdrawal from emotional connection with people around them.

I was wondering how I might react, and whether it is possible to predict how others might behave when finances are the key worry of the day.  I don't know if we can predict how we will express our anger.  At Beating Anger Birmingham, we believe that when we feel anger, it needs to be recognised, appreciated and understood.  We need to recognise the other emotions that may be hidden by the anger - such as sadness, hurt and shame.  And appreciate that the basis for the anger may well be fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of not being respected by others, fear that we may lose our close relationships.  

Only then can we chose how to express that anger.  Through clear conflict resolution processes, through appreciating and listening to others, perhaps by using the passion in anger to get up and do something positive.  Make a change in our lives for the better.

Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Let me know what you think.  And have a look at the range of courses we have at Beating Anger Birmingham.  Real personal development opportunities, courses that will save relationships, and information on the site which we hope will help you toward a healthier expression of all emotions.

As an organisation, the British Association of Anger Management has counselled many people when anger has been affecting their lives.

When working with individuals who have had addiction in their lives, we have found that, after the initial rehabilitation process, feelings and emotions come to the surface. If left unaddressed they have the potential to affect lives in unhealthy ways.

One of the strongest of these feelings is anger. In principle this is a neutral feeling but how we express it makes it healthy or unhealthy. Unhealthy anger can be expressed passively by being internalised or externally through aggression.

In our experience, one of the main triggers of anger in rehabilitating addicts is related to our Primary Needs.  For example our need to feel respected, loved, listened to, supported, acknowledged, understood, etc.

Primary Needs are something that we require in order to succeed, achieve, or even survive.

When these needs are not met, anger, hurt, and fear are activated. It is at this point that our survival instincts kick in. When an individual responds forcibly with anger, underlying that anger will be strong feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. When we deconstruct the anger we find that below it lies hurt, and underneath that, fear.

The fear is that you (people, a person, or the world) will not meet my unmet needs.

This is a major trigger for anger because our belief is that others are there to meet out needs, even if they do not know that they are.

We need to meet our own needs and not expect or assume or believe that it is the responsibility of others to do so. People are not mind-readers.

By acknowledging and accepting our feelings and learning how to express them in a healthy and constructive way is empowering and part of our becoming fully functioning human beings.

I am often asked this question. What the questioner often really means is, are men more angry than women?

I’ll tell you what I know to start with. Our courses are made up of about 40% women. I also know that in terms of the root causes of a person’s anger they can affect men and women alike.

So why are there proportionately less women on our courses?

My informed opinion is that it is a mainly social or societal factors that cause this. Despite the emancipation of women caused by the likes of Emily Pankhurst and the revolution in women’s rights led by those including Germaine Greer true equality does not exist. Women will find it difficult to justify payment and time away from their family for course like ours when compared to their male counterparts. Also, despite theoretical equality is in play, it is viewed differently for a woman to explode with anger as opposed to a man. In reality, simply in terms of whether they are able to express themselves as freely as a man can they are not on equal terms. This, of course, can be a source of deep seated anger and resentment especially if both partners are under pressure. Furthermore because greater control, or at least less aggression, is expected of women then there is likely to be more suppression of anger being experienced by them. This is certainly my experience as women join our groups and tell their stories of years of stuffing their anger inside themselves before finally starting to explode with anger.

Remember, very few of our clients come to us expressing, and being conscious of expressing, passive anger which is just as damaging to relationships. They only come when they explode leaving their  aggression to infects others and people point out to them they have an issue controlling their anger. That really is the subject of another blog.

Another factor that stops women coming to our courses is the shame that being angry carries with it. We know that everyone who attends the course does so in a state of some anxiety and this is increased for women. This is doubled or more if they have been letting their anger out on their children.

The final stereotype that we have been told holds women back from attending our courses is that they perceive the room to be full of angry, aggressive men. The fact is of course that I have never worked with anyone yet who I have not found to be likeable, normal, and a genuine meaningful human being. The factors that bring us all together may be wide ranging, difficult to acknowledge and disparate in their nature but we are all, at heart humans.

So, are women more angry then men? I don’t think so. They just need to give themselves permission to be so and to seek the help that is there for them.