Beating Anger Birmingham Blog

Posted on 4th February, 2012 by Paula Backen

I saw a new client this week who made me think about timing. When is the right time to get help? Is it worth trying to sort it yourself, is it best to have hope that your partner will change, would it be best to say something as soon as unhealthy anger makes you feel scared, is it right to recognise the shame you feel straight after the explosions and get help straight away?

Correct time?

Of course there isn't a right answer to this for everyone. I met a man who hadn't been willing to book an appointment with me for several months. When his wife said the marriage was finished last week, he called me. Is it too late? Who knows. A woman called me this week, saying she had read the website and decided 'Enough is Enough', had told her husband so, and he booked straight away in response to the ultimatum.

A correct answer

I would love to think that as anger management loses some of the taboo status, we start to recognise that getting help with how we express our emotions is so vital to a successful relationship. For home and work relationships. Maybe we could even think about preventative anger management - to ensure a relationship has a way to deal with conflicts before they reach crisi point.

Enough is enough

So when is the right time for you. Probably NOW if you are reading this. And if the relationship is over, do call now to make sure the next relationship doesn't follow the same pattern.

The child needs anger management - really?

Posted on 28th January, 2012 by Paula Backen

"Children these days don't suppress their feelings - better out than in"

I hear the soaps dramatising every conversation into a battle of frustration and anger. "There's more anger in our society than there used to be." I hear a lot of criticism and blame of the children, in schools and at home. I hear parents saying they don't know where the anger has come from.

Learn to express all your feelings

And then I am asked for anger management classes for 10 year olds. Sure, there are ways we can help younger children with their anger - mostly by showing them there are healthy ways to recognise and express all their feelings. But working with the children in isolation will not change behaviour.

Communication with adults is how we learn

Communication is a two way process - we all know that. And children communicate with adults. They learn their patterns of behaviour from observing adult interactions. Last week I met a 12 year old who was having lots of problems with his anger. The immediate request was for a course of therapy to help him change his behaviour.

All in the family

However after some discussion with his mother about the ways the rest of the family express their anger, it was clear this was a whole family matter. Dad avoided expressing any emotions, absenting himself from any confrontation. Mum was 'moody' - taking long silences to express her frustration until she exploded every now and then. Younger brother was having tantrums still at eight years of age.

This is a whole family issue. Passive aggression, distancing and sulking, ,suppressing feelings may well induce aggression in others. What is clear here is that a healthy model of emotional expression was not being modelled for anyone.

No blame, no shame

And let me be very clear here - I am not blaming parents. I am not blaming anyone. When I delved further, the grandparents were overly aggressive, or overly passive. And they learned their patterns from their parents. And so it goes on.

So let's stop the patterns. We have one day courses for parents, teachers and mentors. We can work with individual families.

If you'd like to share your experiences of emotions through the generations, just comment here.

Who's fault is it anyway?

Posted on 24th January, 2012 by Paula Backen

"It must be my fault"

"if I heard shouting in the house, I always assumed it was something I was responsible for." I am amazed how often I hear this from my clients. A sense of shame and embarrassment, which has a major effect on self-esteem and consequently relationships.

Normal? what's that?

I hear this mostly from people in their middle age, who are referring to their experience of being a child, in a 'normal' family - of course who can say what normal is, but for the child they weren't aware that there was anything different for them at the time.

Blame and shame

The effect of feeling the blame and imbibing a sense of shame from a young age has a long term affect. Critical, judgemental adults with lots of rules about 'shoulds' and 'musts' will be judging and criticising themselves. Never quite satisfied with their behaviour, many turn to depression and withdrawal from relationships.

The BAAM approach

Our courses start with an assumption of 'no blame, no shame'. I have a sign on the wall in our group course room. It's vital to increasing self-esteem, removing the excesses of critical and judgemental parent, and thus finding healthy ways to express anger.

I think this differs from the approach used in some other anger management programmes - where admitting and accepting the blame is a major part of the process. Anyone out there experienced this?

The whole family

Posted on 13th January, 2012 by Paula Backen

In the press!

It's been an interesting week for anger management in Birmingham. On Sunday, a double page article in the Sunday Mercury,(later in the Coventry Telegraph), described the amazing change in fortunes of a woman who had lived for 11 years with a verbally abusive angry husband. She was considering suicide, he was refusing to admit he had a problem, and there seemed to be no solution. A year on, after they had both attended a course with Beating Anger Birmingham, they have a very happy relationship, and their first baby is due in April. She describes it as " invasion of the body snatchers" - the abusive man has gone and a caring, affectionate and understanding partner has taken his place.

Making a difference to others

I spoke with her yesterday - she did the newspaper interview in the hope that it might help at least one other person. Well I had good news for her. On Monday morning, a mother who had read the article called to say her 18 yr old son was suffering from unhealthy anger. I was able to arrange a first meeting on Wednesday and they have decided to start an anger management course next week. The mother is already feeling so much more hope. As I often find in this field, it was not just the young man who has unhealthy expressions of anger - his mother suppresses her feelings until they burst, and his father avoids any expression of emotion. So this will be whole family therapy. A programme of 14 weeks x 1 hour sessions. I will keep you posted on progress.

The whole family involved

And this may be the real message - once one person in a family / relationship has unhealthy anger, the others have to find their own ways to compensate and defend themselves. So the effects of our courses are for the whole family.

And I will be keeping in touch with the lady who was brave enough to let the journalist interview her- she really does hope others get the message too.

The other triggers for our anger

Posted on 3rd January, 2012 by Paula Backen

Last month I wrote about three of the sources or triggers for our anger: stress, personal boundaries and emotional needs. Today I will explain about the other three sources.

By the way, these sources are common to most of us, and don't mean they are unhealthy. It is the way we respond to them that can be unhealthy. We can react aggressively or passive aggressively. As with most of life, events are just events- its how we interpret them and respond to them that makes us individuals.

In practical terms, an example may help understand this better. If I am walking in a city street and someone bumps into me, I may feel that my personal boundaries have been invaded. Depending on how I generally respect myself, feel I have value and feel noticed, I will respond to this bump. I could respond aggressively, maybe swear or retaliate physically. I may just add it to the list of events that reinforce my depression and lack of self-esteem.

However if I am feeling that I have value generally, my self esteem is quite healthy, I may forget the event very quickly and feel no need to respond.

So, on to the other sources of anger. Shadow projections. This is a huge area of debate and discussion, and there's plenty of reading material around if you want to know about shadows, as first described by Carl Jung in the last century. However for our purposes, think about shadows as parts of Our personality we prefer to hide, deny or repress. If I think about selfishness, for example, I prefer not to show that side of my personality. Tis is my shadow. So when someone else is selfish, it makes me angry. It's a shadow projection. Sounds a bit deep, and psychological, but essentially it needs about 2 hours on one of our courses to explain properly and relate it to yourself.

The other two sources of anger are loss of personal goal and self defence anger. I have run out of time today, so will come back to these very soon. Happy 2012. By the way, have you noticed our 20% discount offer which is time limited? It's valid for 2012 courses. Bye for now.

Does Christmas make us angry?

Posted on 8th December, 2011 by Paula Backen

There's plenty of opportunity to be angry around Christmas: the family demands, the financial demands, the pressure to be jolly, the increase in alcohol consumption, the traffic jams, the dark cold nights and days, and much more you no doubt can think of wi out much help from me.

So how does Beating Anger Birmingham help you to understand those triggers for anger? Well we think about triggers as six sources of anger. The first major source, and over-riding one at affects all the others, is stress. Stress is, we believe something we choose, and is closely related to our self-esteem. There's plenty of good work to be done understanding the positive and negative stresses in our lives and deciding what we want each to mean to us. You can try the FREE online stress test to start understanding your own stress further.

The second source is about how our emotional needs are being met. How respected, valued, appreciated, etc we feel will have a major effect on what triggers our anger. At Christmas time, if we start to feel ignored, not appreciated for our efforts to make the holiday go well, if we don't think our opinions are being valued, we will feel anger.

The third source of anger is about personal boundaries. If we feel those boundaries are being invaded, compromised, we will feel anger. So when our visitors outstay their welcome, when partners are around 24/7 and we are not used to it, when kids don't go off to school every day, or our homes feel cramped by the extra people, we will feel angry.

The other three sources will be the subject of my next blog, but I want you to know that, participants of our courses have gained the insight to manage these triggers. They feel the anger, but find ways to express it in a healthy way, and feel all the better for it. Check out the testimonials page to see more. I will write about the other sources of anger next week.

Happy holidays!

When do I feel angry?

Posted on 2nd December, 2011 by Paula Backen

As a facilitator of anger management courses, i spend a lot of time thinking about anger. Probably more than most. And, as well as noticing the way other people around me express the emotion, I am very conscious of what makes me feel angry.

Feeling angry is natural and necessary. It is an emotion that indicates to us that we are feeling unsafe or insecure in some way, either emotionally or physically. So I expect to feel angry. In fact if I don't feel angry for a while, I start to wonder if I am fully in touch with my emotions.

So what's anger management for? If anger is essential to life, why can't we just get on with being angry? Well feeling anger, and expressing it are two different things. Let me explain......

This week I have been in Canterbury working. Staying away is fine but access to wifi is an essential for my feeling of being connected to my home world and to getting on with running my business. The hotel I was booked into didn't have wifi. So I have spent quite a bit of time, between working commitments, sitting in cafes who have wifi. Yesterday evening, I could only find a Starbucks. I checked before buying a drink - yes wifi available. I then spent 15 minutes moving from table to table around the large cafe, trying to get a connection. No luck. I was angry. However, when I looked at why I was feeling anger, I realised it was triggered by feeling a long way from home alone, having my own goals frustrated, and being very tired and cold. I could have chosen to shout at the cafe staff, get into a rage, or try to hide the feeling from myself. But I didn't.

I gave up the attempts, took myself quickly back to the hotel, reminded myself the work could wait til the morning, and went to sleep early. All was well this morning.

No rage, no depressed feelings, no hurting or upsetting others, and no shame afterwards. Good clean healthy anger. Telling me to look after myself.

How about you? What triggers your anger? I will give you other examples next blog.

Don't lose your Christmas cheer this year

Posted on 18th November, 2011 by Paula Backen

National Anger Awareness Week supported by Beating Anger Birmingham 1st - 8th December, 2011

"Things are going well............I got through the Christmas break without getting really angry, the only time I felt angry I was able to step away and calm down. So the holiday went well.” (recent course participant) How many people can say they expect that!

More than half of all British adults say they have an argument over Christmas. If Christmas leaves you feeling pricklier than a holly bush, then help is at hand! Beating Anger Birmingham, as part of The British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) is once again helping you have a calmer Christmas and beat the seasonal stress with its annual Anger Awareness Week, from December 1-8th, 2011.

Beating Anger Birmingham is keen to ensure that anger and conflict at home and in the workplace is dealt with in a healthy manner. On its site Beating Anger Birmingham is offering a free downloadable ‘Keep Your Cool Over Yuel Kit’ - Tips for Christmas to help defuse those all-too-predictable seasonal rows with family, friends and colleagues. Throughout the year, Beating Anger Birmingham runs various programmes throughout the year, delivered as three day intensive courses, one day seminars and taster sessions for the individual and corporate environment. Our clients tell us how life is so different now they have learned ways to express emotions in a clean and clear way. “It's wonderful to have a new relationship on a different level with him and together we're happier and more relaxed." says Deb, a recent course participant.

Paula Backen, director of Beating Anger Birmingham says: “With National Anger Awareness Week, we are specifically targeting the festive season because we know that so many people hurt each other with their anger at this time of year. If this is not dealt with then couples carry their stress through to the New Year which is why January is so busy for divorce lawyers. We are in the middle of a recession yet the pressure to purchase the latest toys and gadgets is still there. Whatever gets you angry, the likelihood is it will be magnified at Christmas. We give people proven techniques to manage their own anger and enable them to have a calmer Christmas.”

*Notes for editors

Beating Anger Birmingham can provide expert comment on diverse topics, including: anger in the workplace, road rage, anger in schools, parental/child anger, female anger, air rage and dealing with your angry partner. BAAM has worked with over 15,000 people, including many international celebrities, and was established in 1999 in the UK. It is recognised by the NHS, BUPA, court authorities and the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. Beating Anger Birmingham is a BAAM clinic since 2010.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION PLEASE CONTACT

Paula Backen, Beating Anger Birmingham
Call: 0345 505 3150

Email: paula@beatingangerbirmingham.co.uk

www.beatingangerbirmingham.co.uk

Will your anger go away?

Posted on 3rd November, 2011 by Paula Backen

I speak to many people who feel that their anger is a temporary problem. Either they or their children will grow out of it, or their current stresses will lessen and then all will be well. In the meantime, relationships, careers and lives are seriously affected.

With each rage, comes a sense of powerfulness and adrenalin that can be addictive and rewarding for the individual. However, that feeling disipates rapidly when the consequences of their outburst is clear. We know those feelings of shame, guilt, at the very least, embarrassment, after the event, when we run through all the other ways we could have handled the situation.

Childrens start their unhealthy expressions of anger, growing into teenagers who haven't learned a way to express their emotions in cleaner ways. It is a difficult time for the teenager, with so many changes and pressures on him /her, and managing emotions through hormonal changes when there's no healthy pattern established is really stretching everyone's coping strategies. This is an important time to provide the help needed.

We have an expression in BA-AM - "anger doesn't leave you, people do". We meet people every week across the UK, who have lost their marriages, their contact with children, their jobs, and their friends through unhealthy expression of anger.

And perhaps you think I am just talking about aggressive anger - ie rage. Oh no, there's plenty of evidence that suppressed or passive aggressive anger, leads to depression, loss of friends and family, as well. We have many people attending our courses, who have suppressed thier anger over most of their lives as a coping strategy. Perhaps after experiencing aggressive parenting, or in response to a belief that it is less hurtful not to say anything.

So will your anger go away?

I don't want it to go away. I want you to learn a new way to express all your emotions, so that you can choose when and how to look after yourself. Anger has a purpose - it is there to show us that something is making us feel insecure or unsafe. We don't want to lose that measure, but we need to learn new ways to interpret our perceptions, find new ways to let others know how we feel in a healthy way.

Of course, some older people say they were fiery young men/ women, and that age has calmed them. Is it worth the wait to see if you are one of them?

Economy and Anger

Posted on 25th September, 2011 by Paula Backen

I know there's a financial crisis across the world, but how is it for your family and friends? And how is it affecting your relationships? I have been working recently with a group of long term unemployed and young homeless people. Both groups have a lot to say about the world as they see it, and, as expected, it's not a rosy one. However, not every deals with their situation with the same emotional response.

For some, the conventionally anticipated aggressive anger is displayed very clealry. Every interaction includes a reminder that the world is unfair, that they have been dealt a poor hand, that the only defence mechanism available is blame.

For others, the response is less predictable. Turning the anger on themselves, the suppressed anger turns to depression, addictions and withdrawal from emotional connection with people around them.

I was wondering how I might react, and whether it is possible to predict how others might behave when finances are the key worry of the day. I don't know if we can predict how we will express our anger. At Beating Anger Birmingham, we believe that when we feel anger, it needs to be recognised, appreciated and understood. We need to recognise the other emotions that may be hidden by the anger - such as sadness, hurt and shame. And appreciate that the basis for the anger may well be fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not being respected by others, fear that we may lose our close relationships.

Only then can we chose how to express that anger. Through clear conflict resolution processes, through appreciating and listening to others, perhaps by using the passion in anger to get up and do something positive. Make a change in our lives for the better.

Sounds easy, doesn't it? Let me know what you think. And have a look at the range of courses we have at Beating Anger Birmingham. Real personal development opportunities, courses that will save relationships, and information on the site which we hope will help you toward a healthier expression of all emotions.

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Intensive 3 day Anger Management Course

17th - 19th February

Booking now - earlybird discounts

Are you on the WRONG end of someone's anger? NEW "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" course Friday 3rd February 2012 only £97!

Anyone who has experienced the effects of unhealthy anger, knows that anger costs. Relationships, careers, family. Give me a call if you would like to change that.